A Mad Mad guide to voting

So, today people all across this great country of ours are getting out and casting their votes (or rocking the vote for you Gen-Xers out there), hoping to change the world a little bit. I’m more interested in changing the rules of voting.
For me, voting is a science that desperately needs to be revised. What 10 things would I do different?

* All parties must be included. The U.S. is not a two-party system, so “they” say, but nationally recognized political parties are not necessarily recognized in individual states. They should be, and that’s that.

* All referendums must be binding. Elections are not a time to gather opinions on political issues (here in Wisconsin we have a non-binding referendum question on instating the death penalty). Elections are in place to put people in office and enact change. If the government wants to know the public opinion on a subject, it should hire a telemarketing firm and call people at home.

* All binding referendum questions must have three choices: yes, no and I don’t care. Majority rules. If the majority is yes or no, the referendum passes or fails. If the majority doesn’t care, the issue must be dropped and not revisited by the government for 40 years.

* Felons should be allowed to vote once they have been released from prison. Once convicted felons have “repaid their debt to society,” voting privileges should be reinstated. In fact, because felons are the most likely to be affected by the law and do contribute financially to the government in the form of fines and cheap labor, maybe they should be allowed to vote twice.

* No one, and I mean no one, should be allowed to park in the lot of a polling site with a “Vote for (place name of popular television comic or radio personality here) for President.” I don’t want Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart or Rush Limbaugh to be elected president. No, I get that it's a joke. It’s just not funny. That’s why no one went to see Man of the Year — it’s not funny. People with these stickers on their cars should be convicted as felons and have their voting privileges taken away. And their debt to society will never be repaid.

* There should be free candy at polling stations. I like candy. Candy makes everything fun and enjoyable.

* Election results shouldn’t be released for a week. Let ‘em sweat, that’s what I say.

* There should be pop elections. Remember the fun and excitement of pop quizes? We could have it again in the adult world. You could be sitting at work, minding your own business, when POW, time to vote. Wooooweeee, that would be fun!

* You should be able to vote from home. Why should I put on pants and leave the house when I don’t have to?

* And last but not least: If you vote, you can’t be chosen for jury duty. Not that the two are connected, but I have been selected for jury duty three times in my life; quite frankly I want a way to get off of the list.

Of course, these are my views and my views alone. But it’s something to think about. Happy voting!