Worst Movie Ever!

I throw this phrase around an awful lot, but I really think I’ve found it this time.
Dead Easy, a South African “thriller” starring Richard Grieco as a hard-drinking, hard-loving, hard-smoking ad executive, is about as bad as they come.
Simon Storm (Grieco) decides it would be a good idea to cheat on his wife Theresa (played by Polish actress Joanna Pacula) with a sultry co-worker (Thandi Puren), because Theresa is also out there playing the field (with a male art model at that).
Of course, Storm gets caught ... on videotape. D’oh! So in a drunken rage, he hires a hit man to kill his wife. Then she disappears and he regrets it, gets the police involved, they find her, kill the kidnapper and the wife comes home like nothing’s wrong, and then they lay down the worst twist I’ve ever seen in a movie.
I’m leaving some things out, but you just don’t need to get too deep into this movie.
Dead Easy is one of those films that you end up talking to. Storm’s girlfriend tells him he should ‘get rid of his wife so they can be together’ leading to the “yeah, a guy would have no problem trusting woman after that” comment from yours truly. The kidnapper has a scene where he is putting on makeup in the mirror. “Holy crap man! Really? You’re going to pull that one? No dolls lying around with burnt faces? You’re going with the makeup? OK, but I have to warn you, you’re probably going to be dead in five minutes.”
When Storm gets his wife back, and he’s saying how much he loves here, I’m sitting there like “What? Even though your girlfriend stayed over last night? Even though you tried to have her killed? That’s the card you’re going to play? Not going to say something more appropriate like, ‘I’M SORRY?’”
And — get this — at the end of the movie, after everyone is dead, do you know who orchestrated the whole thing? The wife and the girlfriend! They were in charge the whole time. When the wife was tied up with the kidnapper putting on his makeup, she was in charge? Oh, OK. And the girlfriend too? They were in on it together? Wow.
To life a phrase from The Simpsons, I didn’t think it was possible, but this both sucks and blows.
The dialogue is as clunky as car falling off of a cliff. There are numerous factual errors (including the use of an American telephone number) and Richard Grieco (while more talented than Tom Cruise) couldn’t act his way out of a grade school performance on talent night.
But do you know what the worst thing about this movie was? I watched it. I have Dish, and there was nothing better on. This was it.
Out of four stars this movie gets a “give me my 90 minutes back.”